Silky Dreams
by Lexia Clark
Summary: When young aerial dancer Alec Lightwood says he hates newcomers in the circus, he means it. Can a new aerialist named Magnus change his mind? *All human* Circus fun and love so please check out!
1. Welcome To The Circus Magnus

**So to all new comers who have never read anything I have ever wrote I hope you like my story and don't forget to review (you can skip the nonsense below)**

**To all my faithful Readers & Reviewers of **_**Love Is Blind **_** you are probably sitting behind your computer right now saying**

"**But Lexia why are you starting an all new story when you barely ever update your other one?"**

**My answer to you would be, "When inspiration strikes one must seize it!"**

**I was at a competition last weekend and we arrived early. Like 3 hours early...**

**And so my friends and I decided to be all cool and not go to Sonic and watch the peoples set up the infamous blue mat instead (all those who cheer know what I'm talking about)**

**To be honest we probably shouldn't have been there but... screw it I guess**

**And anyway they had to take down this really long piece of white fabric and being the poor country kids we are, we had to ask them what it was**

**Apparently it was a piece of "aerial silk" and after much googling/youtubing we found out people climb it and flip and do cool stuff **

**My friends went "Oh that's so cool! I bet since we are flyers and all we could do that!"**

**I thought "I bet I could turn that into Malec fic."**

**Thus this little piece of multi chaptered goodness because frankly I can't write one shots**

**But now to the fic**

**I hope you like this and please review to tell me if I should continue this or just delete it**

**~L.C**

**_xxXxx_**

**Song for This Section~ **

I don't like newcomers. They always needed wakeup calls and couldn't keep on schedule which threw off everyone else. They were homesick for weeks and constantly wanted to complain or reminisce, both of which made me uncomfortable. Once they got over the homesickness and started to actually perform, no matter what talent they possessed, they always treated me like I was an idiot because I sometimes stuttered and I was only eighteen. Once they realized I wasn't an idiot and actually deserved to be the only aerialist considering I had been with the circus for 6 years, they always asked to many questions about my and the other performers pasts which for the most part we don't want to talk about and if I did finally get fed up with dancing around the injuries and I actually told my story, mostly in a harsh and bitter whisper, they always without a doubt wanted to say how sorry they were. I never wanted to hear their awkward words because my past was my past and to be truthful I liked to believe that my "old" life ended the second my dad kicked me out of the house for being gay and my little sister and brother for standing up to him and my new one started the second I walked under the blue and silver circus tent.

To sum it all up and be blunt, I hated new comers.

So I didn't exactly jump for joy when Luke, my employer and the ring master for _Cirque des Ombres, _pulled me aside and said in his usual calm tone, "Okay Alec, I found this guy off _YouTube_ and he's an aerialist, "at this I gave him an impressive eye-roll and he acknowledged it with his own before continuing, "Oh don't look at me like that! I know you like doing your solo act and all but this guy has promise and from what I've seen from his videos he's not like all the other idiots I made you watch audition. Also I'm your boss so I already contacted him and he's auditioning tonight after we do the show and I need for you evaluate him because like I've explained to you every time we have this conversation, I have no idea about the mechanics of it all. All I know is what looks good to the audience."

I knew I couldn't exactly say no because refusing Luke was pointless. He would just ask my adoptive brother Jace, who was a trapeze artist, to evaluate this guy and Jace had less of an idea of how to work the silks then Luke did. Also, Jace was too nice and would probably tell this guy that he was good enough and get me stuck with an idiot who would get me killed. The whole thing was one big cluster fuck and I didn't know any other courses of action than grin and bear it so after a minute of silent cursing, I nodded my agreement to the shorter but older man.

"Thanks Alec, I promise this guy won't be that bad." Again I just nodded and Luke turned to go. His retreating plaid shirt and worn out jeans was a familiar sight that brought back memories of when I wasn't the one who was asked to evaluate but the one was asking to be evaluated.

Then a thought pieced my little bubble of the past and I called out to the retreating plaid shirt, "Hey what's this dude's name?"

All I got back in reply was, "Magnus, Magnus Bane."

**Song For This Section~ Hallelujah by Jeff Buckley (Alec's song for his act)**

Four hours later I was stretching in my tent that I had set up two days prior. The khaki walls were undecorated and just the way I wanted them. The only real sense of personalization was a framed photograph of myself, my little sister Isabelle, and Jace at the beach when we were all still in elementary school. The sight Isabelle's long braids and bright brown eyes free from makeup always made me feel better and I was glad that I had taken the photo before I got kicked out.

After I had warmed up and was stretched out I went over to the plain brown trunk that held all my other worldly possessions and my costume for tonight. The nude pair of stirrup tights with scrawling black lines and dots always made a blush rise to my cheeks as I stared at myself in the mirror before heading over to the big top. The way they clung to every inch of me wasn't my usual go to idea for clothing but I couldn't perform in my everyday raggedy sweater and jeans which hung off the back of a plain wooden chair labeled "Lightwood." No, this was all for the show and if making me wear tights and go bear chested kept my family off the streets then so be it.

Not that Jace's and Isabelle's acts couldn't keep themselves off the streets. Isabelle was a natural with the animals. People loved to watch her gracefully charm the beautiful white and black horses through fire and up onto their hind legs. It didn't hurt that she was a pretty as the horses she was commanding either. With her long stick straight raven hair that now hit her waist and tall frame, my baby sister was every straight guy's wet dream. I didn't like it but she did and she knew exactly how to wield her beauty to get her what she wanted and when she wanted it. Wrapping men around her finger was as easy as breathing for her, but I knew why she did deep down even if she didn't. She needed control and who was I to judge when I dropped 25 feet in the air with only a piece of fabric to keep me from hitting to floor?

Then there was Jace. His trapeze act with his girlfriend Clary was honestly our main attraction. They were an amazing duo as they flipped off the pulleys and platforms; Clary's red curls going flying as Jace tossed her in the air only to be caught moments later in his capable arms. Jace also possessed a sarcastic smirk and a body that dripped sex and made most women melt. If I was being honest, at one point it also made me melt, but I had long gotten past my unrealistic crush on Jace and it was another part of my past that I would rather forget than remember.

Leaving my tent and starting to cross the green expanse of grass barefoot left nothing to overtake my thoughts and so they slipped to the very boring subject of this Magnus guy that I would have to watch later. Part of me wanted to be a douche bag and not even consider him but there was the other big brother part of me that wanted to believe that maybe he might be good and we could be friends as well as duet partners. The whole thing wasn't worth my worry though so I forgot about it quickly and started thinking about the fact that my sister was now dating the guy at the drink bar, Seth or something. He dressed like a young Bono and had terrible taste in music as far as I could tell. Sam or whatever subjected me to nightly choruses from The Joshua Trees and Modest Mouse and there had been many a late night when I wanted to take my nine millimeter subcompact and put a piece of lead through his stereo.

Then to speak of the devil's girlfriend, I heard Isabelle call out from behind me, "Alec, wait up big bro! I need to talk to you about a certain sexy beast that you have to evaluate tonight!"

I frowned but stopped my march to the tent that was lite up from the inside and was starting to be filled with people in the late August heat. Isabelle caught up a second later, her black hair swinging out behind her. Her usual flowing white lace dress covered her from head to toe and I could just see the tip of her black slippers she used to keep her horses back safe when she stood on them. I prepared for her to jump lithe and gracefully on to my back and I wasn't disappointed as I felt her minimal weight press down against me and her long legs wrap around to lock her ankles in front. I continued walking after that, purposely ignoring her earlier comment about sexy beasts.

She didn't drop the subject long though. Only three or four feet later she piped up, "So what do you think of this new kid Magnus?"

I just shook my head at her. She was constantly trying to set me up with guys, even after my constant reminders of the fact that the beauty gene passed right by me. I was tall and muscular from 14 years of pulling my whole body weight up a piece of fabric. My black mop of hair was just as dark and straight as my sister's but mine never laid right and was always falling down over my eyes which were apparently my best feature. They were a dark bottle glass blue that, in Isabelle's words, "popped." I just thought they looked like blue eyes. My skin was whiter than milk which caused every god damn flush of color in my face to stand out like a stop sign. Like honestly how manly is it to blush? It's not and I got tired of hearing about it too.

While I had been caught up in my thoughts Isabelle kept talking and I just barely caught the tail end of what she had been saying, "-cute! I saw him from behind and god Alec! He's got an ass on him that one. And his outfit wa-"

I cut her off before she could go any further, "Yes Izzy let me jump him the moment I see him since you saw the sign on his back that read, 'Hello my names Magnus and I'm gay."

That got me a slap on my arm from where Izzy rested on my back. She still commented though with a suggestive shrug of her shoulders, "Let me just say I have never seen a straight man dress like that…"

"Oh this just gets better and better. Now he is apparently hot and dresses like a pride parade because we all know that's what I go for." If I was being a bit of a sarcastic ass whole, so be it.

Izzy didn't see my sarcasm as amusing though and I got another slap on the arm, but we were nearing the big top and I had to set her down so she could run over to the makeshift pen where her horses, Lana and Jasper made their home until show time. I kept moving toward the back entrance which radiated a warm yellow light.

Once I made it through and pushed past creepy old Hodge who was warming up his birds to their commands and past Maia in her clown make up and her many yappy dogs, I pushed aside the aquamarine curtain that separated the huge silver mat covered arena and the audience from the performers to see a packed house. A crowd of anxious faces looked around and I smiled to myself before retreating back behind the curtain.

I needed to powder my hands and feet and stretch a little bit more before line up so I made my way over to the back corner where the acrobats had set up a box of starch and a tiny mat to keep you off the floor and your costume clean. Once I got over there, I saw Jace and Clary fooling around while standing on said mat and I heard Clary's high giggle before I called, "God you two horny teenagers! Get a room or move because I need to stretch."

This got me two pairs of dirty looks but I just laughed and pushed past them to the plain black box filled with white powder. I threw some on my hands and clapped them together, creating a white cloud, and then sat down before repeating the process on my feet. After the dust had settled, I went through my basic stretches like my straddle, left and right spit, and then my middle split. Just as I rolled down into my bridge down, feeling the release in my back, and kicked my legs over before standing up, I heard Luke call out, "Line up in 2 minutes people! Damn it Hodge get that bird out from around my head!" the responding cry was lost in the hustle and bustle of people getting into their performance order. I went onto the arena floor in the middle Isabelle's act so I usually stood behind her but she hadn't returned from outside and warming up her horses. So I was stuck behind Celia and Meliorn, the current lion tamers. I didn't like either of them and in my opinion, Celia was a vindictive bitch so I avoided their quite conversation to just stand silently by myself.

Then I heard Luke's voice boom through the speakers on the other side of the curtain, "Welcome Ladies and Gentlemen, children of all ages! Be prepared to be amazed by the feats of angels and men right here at _Cirque des Ombres_!" I bounced on the balls of my feet, adrenaline beginning to pump through my body. Izzy showed up the next second and slipped in front of me. I saw Jace's golden head making his way toward us too and I grabbed Izzy's hand and showed her where I was looking. As soon as Jace and Clary showed up we all bowed our heads together and said in almost perfect unison, "Thank you god for this opportunity to show what we got and please let Alec, Jace, and Clary not fall on their ass and break their necks and please let Izzy not get her head kicked in when she tries to get them damn horses over that rail of fire. Most importantly lets go kick some fucking ass!" Then we stood up and fell into a group hug. Jace and Clary had to leave to go to their place a few spots behind us so after wishing them luck, me and Isabelle just stood in our spots and joked around.

"Hey Alec what is brown and sticky." I didn't know so I said as much and she replied, "A stick."

I genuinely laughed at that but I thought I had one better so I said, "Hey Izzy what did Batman say to Robin before they got in the Batmobile?' She didn't know so I said, "Get in the car."

We both laughed at that one, but then Meliorn and Celia were called out and we heard the roars of the tigers and the crack of the whip everyone knew had never touched those tigers because Luke's number one rule for all animal acts was that the animals be treated kindly.

Within no time, Izzy was called out and she ran onto the stage after giving me a reassuring smile. Stage assistants lead Lana and Jasper out then the curtain was pulled back into place, covering up Isabelle's performance. I knew what it looked like though after the many practices we had had together. We were the "dark haired duo" or so we had been nicknamed. Maybe if we had been able to leave each other's side in the first month, we might not be doing every act together but it was too late for that. We were now a package deal; well we would be if this Magnus kid was as crappy as I suspected he would be.

Before I could contemplate what it would be like to have another aerialist around, I was being pushed toward the door with supportive pats on the back following me out. As soon as the white light fell on me and I spotted Isabelle cantering towards me on the white mare while her black gelding stayed obediently by her side, I let my mundane worries fall away and my mind slipped into stage mode. Everything flowed from that point. I effortlessly grabbed Jasper's mane and swung myself up onto his back, locking arms with Isabelle. We went around the circle for a few rounds then I noticed the blue cloth begging to lower itself onto the arena and I gave Jasper the cue to rear the exact moment Izzy did and like a well-oiled machine, I hopped off Jasper's back and flipped midair to land on my feet. While Isabelle stood on Lana's back and continued to canter around the circle I made my way to the center where my silk now awaited me. I split it in half and pulled myself up, wrapping my feet up in the fabric as the first few chords of Jeff Buckley's masterpiece. Climbing up and up as the guitar solo played through the tent and Isabelle left to a resounding applause that drowned out the music for a second. Then as the first words were breathed through the speakers, I let my hands go slack and fell into a middle split. The audience gave an appreciative "oh," and I looked out into the crowd as I pulled myself back up, letting my feet untangle from the knots of fabric, catching the eyes of one particular man who gave me a wink which set me into a blush and made me be behind but I caught myself back up onto count quickly. This motion was repeated several times with several variations causing my arms and middle body to be wrapped up purposely before with a resounding gasp, I let everything go and fell to the bottom of the silk and landed with my arms outstretched and my feet pointed out above my head. The second to last note played out long and pure as I let myself fall to the ground and land on my feet but I kept my head down. Waiting for that pivotal moment when I knew I had them, then I snapped my head up and they crowd went wild.

I dipped my head again to take my bow and walked backwards until I felt the fabric curtain hit my back and I turned around, leaving the crowd and the cheers of "Blue Angel," behind me.

I spent the rest of the time until curtain call playing poker with a few of the stage hands and winning a few dollars in the process. Then there was curtain call and a bunch of bright lights. I never got as much out of curtain call as some of the other performers did but it was nice.

_**Song for this selection~E.T by Katy Perry (Magnus's performance song)**_

Through all the usual excitement of performing, I had totally forgotten about my prospected evaluation, but I was quickly reminded as Luke called me from where I was talking with Will, Jem, and Tessa, our resident fire breathers, to come back out. Once I made my way out to the arena, I spotted the man talking with Luke

He was long and willowy with graceful legs that were clad in black… sparkly tights and a muscular upper torso which was covered in a plum shirt. Then he turned around and I was absorbed in the most beautiful pair of green eyes. They were a rich emerald color with velvety streaks of gold running through them. I realized I was staring a second to late and I looked away as the blush crept up my cheeks.

Then Magnus spoke in a velvet voice that had a weird accent that I couldn't exactly pinpoint, "Nice to meet the Blue Angel in the flesh. "

I didn't know quite how to reply so I did what I always did which was stutter out, "Ugh-ugh thanks I guess. So y-you're an aerialist…"

This received a smile formed from full lips that made my heart stop. Izzy hadn't been exaggerating. Magnus was gorgeous and the original part of me that had been wanting to be a douche bag was slowly fading as I stared at the caramel skin and was being replaced by the other part only in a less big brother way.

Then the velvet was back as Magnus said, "Yes and I do believe that you are going to evaluate me?"

At this Luke, who had been standing there watching the exchange with mild interest, said, "Yes Magnus. Actually I want to start that evaluation right now. I think you had music right?" Magnus gave an affirming nod in Luke's direction but his gaze was still locked with mine. Luke seemed to ignore this before continuing, "Great. Then just give your music player to that guy over there. His names Shane and we can get this show on the road because I do believe we all want to get to sleep sometime soon."

Magnus let out a small laugh which I didn't quite get but I watched as he gracefully moved over to wear Shane with his mop of curly black hair was waiting. An exchange was made and they shared a brief word before Magnus made his way back to the center where the now silver silk had already been lowered onto the mat.

The ascending music started as Magnus skillfully climbed up the silk and I slowly started to walk under his ascending body in a circle. I looked over his form and

At least he could climb up without looking like a dying lizard.

Then he hit his first position which flew out his arms behind him and he fell easily into a left split.

Another mental check off for flexible.

He continued to pull himself up higher before wrapping a foot and forming his arms and legs into a triangle and slowly sliding down in a spiral. The move was ballsy and hard. It had taken me a year to master it, let alone perform it with the elegance Magnus was.

As I watched him I knew I was being a hard ass and trying to find something wrong but there really wasn't. Every arch of his back or twist of his arm held all the power of an avenging angel. When the background music reached the final chorus and the first of many pounding back beats hit Magnus let his body, which had been winding its self purposely into a pocket of fabric, fall in a graceful tumble of silk. I couldn't help but let out an appreciative "oh," as I watched the progression. It was glorious but while I was caught up in the twisting and flying silk, I didn't notice Magnus's trajectory. So when he landed with his feet in a v above us and his face upside down in front of me I couldn't help but gasp. Our faces were inches apart and I felt the rush of peppermint as he smiled, breathing hard.

All I could say through the scarlet flush coloring my cheeks was, "Welcome to the circus Magnus."

**_xxXxx_**

***Hides behind Alec***

**Gosh I hope that was good. It was a beast chapter and took forever to write.**

**Please tell me whether I should even attempt to make this into anything or whether I should just drop it**

**I need you help guys!**

**~L.C**


	2. Fifty Shades Of Gay

**Okay so I'm going to keep this short.**

**Thank you so much for all the kind words!**

**I hope you like this chapter as much as the last one.**

**(Disclaimer~I don't own Reed or Shane. CP Coulter does)**

**Oh and the first song last time got cut up somehow in translation but it was "We Are Young" by Fun**

**Happy trails Readers & Reviewers**

**~L.C**

**_xxXxx_**

**Song for this Section~ Dark Side by Kelly Clarkson**

"Well fuck that was hot." My face flushed even brighter and I took a quick step back as I heard my sister's cat call from the other end of the mat. She had to have been snooping behind the curtain in the way that only little sisters could. I audibly groaned and threw my face into my hands as she sashayed her way over, now changed out of her costume and into a too short dress with lacy tights and her favorite pair of brown moccasins hugging her ankles, to where Magnus was gracefully untangling himself from the silk and then jumping down. I let out another set of exasperated sighs as I heard, "For heaven's sake tell me he hired you. I'm Isabelle by the way. I happen to be that idiot's sister."

I slowly peaked out over the top of my hand from where it still covered my mouth to see Magnus let out a deep, rumbling chuckle that sent his head flying backwards and his straight, shiny hair flying out behind him in a shoulder length curtain of black silk and stick out a caramel hand before dropping a glittering wink and saying, "I'm Magnus Bane. I happen to be the guy that that idiot just hired." At this he glanced over at me quickly before returning his gaze to Isabelle who had started talking again.

"That's great, really! You're really good and I would have slapped him if he had turned you down like all the others. I mean it might be because he thinks you're hot and you can't blame him with that ass of your-"

That really was my limit on chatty Cathy so I quickly walked over and clamped a hand down on Isabelle's mouth and dragged her away. As I started walking toward the exit and the solace from being out of Magnus's presence, I thought of something so I turned around and said in his general direction, "After you finish the paperwork with Luke come by my tent and we can discuss practice schedules and get you a tent set up."

This got me another smile and a tiny wave from Magnus and a small giggle from Isabelle but since my hand was still covering her mouth, it sounded like a chicken clucking. Leaving Magnus and Luke discussing pay roll and other things, I dragged Isabelle the rest of the way out into the field and over to the large tent that housed Luke's wife Jocelyn, our resident chef.

Entering the khaki tent that was a larger replica of the other ones sitting around the 16 acre lot I was instantly enveloped in the heavenly aroma of tonight's mix of potatoes, ham, gravy, and onions. At this point Isabelle was attempting to bite my hand and so I quickly let her go, wiping my slightly slick hand on my tights, still having not changed out of my costume. As I turned my head back up to face Isabelle with her smug smile, cheeks blazing, I hissed out, "Is it your life goal to embarrass me! God Iz, I've barely known the man for an hour and how can I expect to have a professional working relationship with him if you keep doing stuff like that!" I jabbed an accusing finger at her in the middle of my tirade but it was slapped away quickly with a manicured hand.

Her voice was just as smug as her grin when she replied, "Oh come on Alec, cut the crap. I'm your sister and I saw the way you looked at him. He's gorgeous and totally into you. Besides who says," she lifts her hands and adds air quotes to, "professional working relationship? It is 2012 if you didn't know. He's sexy Alec and I say you should go for it! You deserve to have a little fun and not be so uptight." Her voice had been slowly increasing in volume and by now almost the entire food tent was staring in rapt attention at our little argument.

In an attempt to deflect attention to us I pulled Isabelle back out onto the field. I covered my blushing face with my hands, and let out a soft cry of desperation before muttering quietly, "Izzy I love you but if I strangle you right now, no one would blame me. I don't know the guy, okay. Yes I will admit it, he's attractive but that's it! At least give me some time to get to know him before you push me to jump on him, okay."

Delicate hands pulled my own from my face and I stared down at Isabelle from the few inches I still had on her. She gave me a small smile before patting me on the shoulder, a sad little shimmer glinting in her beautiful coco brown eyes, and saying with a gentler tone than she had been using the whole conversation, "I'm sorry if I'm pushing you. I just don't want you to not let yourself be happy because you're scared. I guess I don't want our past to affect your future ya know. You deserve to be happy Alec."

I returned her smile and gave her a small nod. The fact that she was worried about my happiness was slightly ridiculous but still touching. I smiled a little bigger and pushed her toward behind the flap again and into the line of4-5 people still waiting for a scoop of comfort on a plate before joking around and saying, "God Isabelle when did you become so soft? That Seth kid is having an effect on you."

This apparently deserved a gentle slap on my arm and a light laugh, the previous sadness now having disappeared. Rolling her eyes, Isabelle said as one of Jocelyn's assistants dropped a thick spoon full of buttery mashed potatoes and then Jocelyn herself, with her fiery red curls that were so similar to her daughters blazing under the hair net, poured rich, thick brown gravy and cut a slice of the moist ham onto her plate, "His names Simon, dick head. You're just lucky it was me watching you have a visual orgy with Magnus and not Jace. He would haven't have let you up so easy. He'd probably be giving you a talk on safe sex."

I downright laughed at this while I received the safe treatment on my own orange plate. What the hell did 17 year old Jace know about safe sex? What did he know about sex? Everyone knew Clary hadn't put out yet and wouldn't any time soon, which was fine by me because I honestly didn't need to figure out how to hide the bodies after Clary got knocked up and Luke and Jocelyn went on a murdering rampage, killing everything with a pair of balls that wasn't gay.

At least I was safe.

As if she had read my thoughts and knew they were about her in that way that only mothers could, Jocelyn tapped on my shoulder when I turned to follow Isabelle over to a large cafeteria style table filled with Jem, Tessa, Will, Jace, Clary, and a bunch more of our friends. I turned to face her and was surprised by the sad softness in her green eyes, again almost identical to her daughters.

"Alec, can I speak to you?" Setting my plate down on a nearby counter and praying the no one would snatch it I gave her a unsure nod before watching her walk back behind the small table where all the food rested and then around several microwaves and grills to a back doorway and disappearing out into the night. I scuttled after her and then let out an almost silent, "Holy mother of fuck," when my still bare feet hit a patch of mud on the opposite side of the flap of fabric, nearly falling on my ass. I shot an apologetic look over to Jocelyn a few feet away, soft disapproval coloring her pale face before saying, "What's the matter Ms. Fray?"

She gave me a look that Isabelle would have been proud of at me calling her "Ms. Fray" but quickly it deflated like a soufflé and changed into almost pity. I stared at her for a second, just trying to figure out what that was about but I realized the second she said, "Alec, you know where we are going to be in a week right? You know we're stopping in New York?"

Oh, it all made sense now. Jocelyn calling me out her, out of ear shot from Isabelle and Jace and the sad look. I hated her pity and I had to swallow heavily to keep the bitter malice out of my words but I couldn't keep the defensiveness out of my voice as I said, "I know. Isabelle and Jace do to. It's not a problem. Last time I heard from Aunt Amatis, she said they had moved out of the house with the kid. I'm not worried about it and Jace and Isabelle agree. They made their choice a long time ago and they were very firm when they said they didn't want to see any of us again." Her eyes softened even more, an almost sure fire sign that I was right. I wanted to bolt and get away, away from my past and the nearness of everything that I had left behind. I wanted to run away and hid from the pain and the salty tears that threatened to prick my eyes.

"Alexander Lightwood. I get you have to be the big brother but if you're lying to me and you're really not okay, I need you to tell me right now. Luke said that we can hold them off property and we can even pull your guys' acts. I care about you and Isabelle and god knows I'm not getting rid of Jace anytime soon even if he annoys the shit out of me. If you need anything, I'm here. I get that you are strong and are an adult. I'm not trying to baby you I just want to hel-"

She was babbling so I cut her off with a smile that didn't betray the inner turmoil that was going on in my head. I had to keep up the inner mantra, 'you are fine. You are Alec lightwood, you can do anything and you won't break down. You will be strong. You have too," that pounded like a war drum in my head, a brief exercise that had held me up in the past and it seemed to be working like a charm. Even my heart increasing and that little dimple in my chin that only came around when I was upset forming, I said in a clear and steady voice, "Ms. Fray, Jocelyn, I'm fine. Like I said, I made peace with this a long time ago and going back to New York isn't going to change that. There's really no need to bar them from the property. Like I said, they aren't going to show up."

That apparently convinced her because she just gave me a nod. We stared each other down for another second but with a shrug of her tiny shoulders she walked up to me and gave me a hug, her warm chin resting on my shoulders, before turning and walking back under the flap and into the makeshift tent.

**Song For This Section~ I Dreamed a Dream by preferably either the original cast or Anne Hathaway has a wonderful rendition **

I waited a long moment to make sure she wasn't coming back but I couldn't wait much longer and then I bolted, bare feet slapping the wet grass with no direction or plan but _get away. _ Tripping once or twice but regaining my balance quickly, I ran, hot tears creating crystal tracks down my face. A choked sob tore through my throat but I kept moving, silent and quick in the humid august night, all the while swiping furiously at my cheeks.

After about two minutes I spotted a huge willow tree. The long wisp of green offered a hiding spot until I could smooth over my façade again and be able to go back and face my friends and family. Pulling up on a sturdy looking branch and swinging my feet into a fork, climbing up and up until I was sure I was so deep that no one would ever find me. Then I let another sob escape me only I didn't even try to hide it. The sound tore out of me, breaking whatever hold I had held on my control with it as it disappeared.

Memories from when my dad kicked us out played like a movie behind my eyes. Each one causing more salty tears to fall.

"_I refuse to have a disgusting faggot under my roof! Get out! I don't know who you are but you are not the son I raised for 14 years, and you two, I thought I raised both of you better than this! I adopted you when no one else wanted you Jace and I turned a blind eye to you while you ran up and down the street acting like a whore, but I won't let this slide. Hiding him is like hiding a rat in your bread basket. I want you to gone with-with that! I don't want to see any of you again. Ever!"_

My mother's screams and the _clap _when my dad slapped her ringed through my ears just like they did when I heard them fourteen years ago.

I had caused so much pain for others and I called myself their protector? I had ripped their home away and given them a life of constant traveling. A life of uncertainty and I had stolen their family, all because I couldn't keep a secret.

"All my fault, all my fucking fault." Muttering the words under my breath helped the ache go down a little bit and I kept them up, getting absorbed into my own little world of pain.

"You know, usually when hot guys have told me to come by their tent, their actually there, not incidentally in a tree. The change was unexpected and quite refreshing I must say."

"Holy mother of god!" I jumped and would have fell out of my soft haven of moss covered branches, had a strong, smooth hand not caught my upper arm and hauled me back up into where I had previously sat. I tried to wipe furiously at the tears still flowing down my face but the hand that had stopped me from falling was now stopping me from swiping at my face.

"Stop-stop! Alec your rubbing dirt all over your face and you're gonna get it into your eyes. I don't know bout you, Blue Angel, but I think that I wouldn't be too happy if I ruined my money makers." He let my hands ago with a reassuring squeeze. The whole comment about my money makers confused me but I ignored it, choosing to wipe my face with my elbow instead.

"I'm sorry, god, I ugh… Well…"

Magnus waved my stuttering mess of words away with a swipe of his hand and said, "Alec you don't have to explain to me, but you can if you need to. In my experience a sympathetic ear can work wonders for ruined mascara."

Now I was really confused, "But I'm not wearing mascara?"

"Oh shit. You're one of those literal bastards aren't you? Ah well it's okay. All I'm trying to say is that if you do want to talk about the reason you're crying up here alone in a tree, and you don't have to, but I'm saying I'll listen."

I finally understood fully at what Magnus was getting at and I looked at him for a long moment, considering his offer. His angular, caramel face showed nothing but earnest worry, the green gold eyes that were lined with the tiniest bit of black liner holding the same, and eventually I broke down. Spilling my every secret and worry turned out to be as therapeutic as Magnus had said it was. He never interrupted to apologize or made unnecessary hubbub over any of the messier details. A sympathetic expression covered his face and once my sad tale was over he took a deep breath and grabbed my hand before saying, "Alec, thank you for trusting me with your past. I know how hard it can be but you can't blame yourself. Your dad's prejudice is horrible and hateful but it doesn't affect you now and look Isabelle and Jace are sure as hell happier than they were back in that house. They have friends here and people who love them. They have you. You want to know why I came here?" I gave him a small nod and he continued, "My mom died when I was eight. Cancer and she went peacefully in her sleep. My dad was always bitter after and when I came out he beat me. I'm still black and blue. This circus is a restart for me and it was for you. Like you said, why live in the past when your present is so fucking awesome? Alec, you're also easy on the eyes. Here take a deep breath and just let it all go. Feel all that negative energy and feel it leave you like a cloud."

I took his advice because so far it had helped and as I let go of my puff of air, I felt it. I felt the blackness that had been plaguing me just leave. It was uplifting and I gave him a bright smile before saying. "Come on; let's go see about that practice schedule and your tent."

Magnus gave me a large, white smile and I marveled at how his green-gold eye lite up even in the darkness of the night. His voice was as bright as his smile, all traces of the sadness that he had seemed to carry when talking about his father gone, when he said, "Okay but I already got my tent set up. Some guys named Reed and Shane helped me?"

Laughing I replied, "Oh those two. Shane works at the sound booth if you remember and Reed works in costumes and advertising. The kids a wiz with painting too and does most of the artsy stuff for us. The rainbows are attached at the hip and if you see one, the other is close by. Everyone is just waiting for Shane to pop the question."

"So they're-"

I gave Magnus a small nod, "Together? Yeah for as long as they've been here I think. I remember when they first came they were a couple but tried to hide it. We figured it out real quickly after the scratches incident."  
The question was obvious in Magnus's voice as he said, "Scratches incident?"

Now the small shake of my head was a warning. "You don't want to know. So how bout we go and get that schedule done?" I offered my hand as then marveled at the feeling of Magnus hand as he placed it in mine. It was smooth but hard and so warm.

Jumping down was no problem for two aerialists and as we hit the ground, I heard Magnus's low rumble of a laugh and turned to look at him.  
"What?"

He waved his hand at me but continued to laugh. After a long moment he regained control and said, "It's just like _Fifty Shades Of Gay _around here."


	3. Strip

**Hi you guys!**

**I just thought you guys should know I'm on a plane as I write this and while I was at a lay-over at *insert airport name here* I saw a guy who was a dead shot for Landon Donovan… *Didn't know I was in love with soccer/LA Galaxys did you?***

**I started squealing and then my darling little brother looked up at me and said, "God you freak it's not him you know." Then the guy turned around and it wasn't Landon so I just went and cried to myself while listening to my newly downloaded Muse album at an Annie's pretzels till our flight boarded.**

**Then I started writing this… See how this all works out?**

**Anyways.. I'm going to cut to the story.. wait no**

**As always Happy Trails and Enjoy my lovely Readers & Reviewers**

**~L.C (who is very tired right now)**

**_xxXxx_**

**Song For This Section~ Black Horse and The Cherry Tree by KT Tunstall**

The first week with Magnus around was one of the best "first weeks" that the _Cirque Des Ombres _had ever seen. He got along with just about everyone, what with his sarcasm and theatrics. Even the few souls who didn't take to Magnus instantly, Jace and Will were the worst offenders because as usual they had to be the token bad asses as some sort of circus "hazing", came around eventually just because everything about him was ridiculous but completely sincere and that's all that it took to join our little band of marauders.

I wasn't exactly sure how I felt about my fellow aerialist. On one hand, he was terribly good looking. A simple quirk of his eyebrow or a suggestive wink form across the big top from where he sat in the crowd because Luke hadn't decided what he wanted for our routine, set butterflies all a flutter in my stomach and caused my tights to become a little less comfortable. On the same hand, our conversations flowed and there was never an awkward pause, just comfortable silence, like we had known each other for years. Through these long winded conversations, I learned his favorite color is grey, but not just any grey. He had gotten this look over his face that was somehow heartbreakingly sad but also gloriously happy at the same time and whispered out from where he sat on the bench next to me, "You said you're from New York right?" an quizzical nod on my end before he continued with that same shattering expression, "My favorite color is that grey that the ocean and sky turns right before a storm hits. Not really black but not blue either. Just a grey that holds all the power of the storm but not everybody pays attention to it because it's just grey. What about yourself?"

His powerful description and sudden question threw me for a loop and I couldn't exactly come up with my favorite color on the spot because honestly I had never really thought about it that much.

"Black.. Just black."

Magnus threw his head back and laughed for a while. It spread like a disease and pretty soon a small smile played over my lips. We sat like that for a good thirty seconds and then I caught a glimpse of a sliver of barely visible skin, where his overzealous shirt didn't quite meet the silver metallic pants that looked like he had been poured into and my face fell instantly into contained anger and sadness. Where there should have been the gorgeous caramel skin, that seemed to glitter like Magnus himself was covered in tiny diamonds, was black and green with sickening tinges of purple layered into the quick reminder that I wasn't the only one with a past.

I had just been lucky enough to get out before that particular storm hit.

That first week went by too quickly though and then we had "war council" with Luke.

It wasn't as scary as all the performers made it out to be. Luke called you into his makeshift office in the back of the tickets tent and he proposed his vision for your act. The performer would then tweak it into something either grander or something more realistic, depending on the particular talent and Luke's general mood. Thinking back to the first time I got called back there, dirty and hungry, with Izzy in tow and Jace sitting outside talking to some red head that I would later know as the one and only Clarrissa Fray, all I remember was the fear that we would be rejected. I had trained my whole life in gymnastics but had only started the silks about two years ago. Knowing I wasn't the best but had to act like I was tore me up with nerves.

Now I was sitting in the same chair, in the office that hadn't changed except for a few photographs and a few baubles and trinket here and there. Izzy was lounging on a row of lawn chairs lined up to create a makeshift couch a few feet away, which was very different from the first time when she had sat prim and straight-backed with large brown eyes that tried so hard to hide the desperation and fear we all felt.

Looking out of the corner at Magnus in his outrageous sequined blazer and leather pants and seeing none of the anxiety that usually filled the newbies eyes made me check that off my mental checklist of things that made Magnus different from the others. Luke walked in the next second so my further consideration on the matter was thrown away.

Luke shrugged off the blue plaid button up that fit in with his usual uniform and exposed the plain white wife beater underneath before sitting down in his own folding chair. Steepling his fingers and lending a level, calm gaze on all of us, Luke took a breath, focusing his stare on Magnus who never wavered and said, "Okay, I'm assuming Alec and Isabelle debriefed you on exactly what this meeting is about?"

A devilish smirk covered Magnus's face and I was intoxicated by his full lips that sparkled slightly from a layer of gloss before I brought myself back to the present and caught those lips saying, "Oh yes, I've heard lots about this mysterious 'war council.' I'm curious if it lives up to the hype."

This pulled a chuckle from Luke and he nodded before continuing. "Yes. I've heard the rumors but I can promise you, I won't beat you over the head with a whip or anything like that. This is to purely meld our ideas and see the magic that comes of it."

"Shame," Magnus muttered behind his hand and Luke heard this, he paid no mind and beat on with the meeting.

"Okay. I envisioned using all three of you. Isabelle of course, you'll be working with Lana and Jasper. Maybe that new stunt you said you had been working on? Then Magnus, Alec, I think you two can guess what you're doing, but here's the twist; I want you three connected." Luke sat back from his folding table desk and looked at us all with expect eyes. I honestly didn't follow and I guessed the other two didn't either from their quizzical glances. After the silence got a little depressing and Magnus mumbled something like, "I'm working on it sweetheart," Luke ran his fingers through his curly black hair and leaned forward again.

"That really wasn't the best explanation, but hear me out. You guys have heard the red string of fate myth right?" Approving nods from my sister and Magnus but I just stared not following yet again. Luke must have seen how utterly lost I was and he let out an exasperated sigh, "Alec, you're amazing really but you need to use Google or go on yahoo.. social networking, something. I'm sure Isabelle will be happy or Magnus will be happy to explain it in full detail later but all you need to know is that the Chinese believe that you are tied to a person who you are destined to fall in love with. Got it? Good! Now what I was thinking was that Magnus and Isabelle could be connected with a red rope or string-"

This was met with a dramatic noise between a scream and a squeak from Izzy's designated corner and an overly cry of, "Lover!" Which was meet with an equally theatric cry that was a whole 5 octaves deeper from my opposite side, "Come to me oh beauteous Isabelle!" I didn't even move my eyes from where Luke sat with a frustrated frown and smile fighting for dominance as Isabelle ran the four feet to where Magnus sat and jumped into his arms.

I glared at the two, who were both laughing lightly but I couldn't hold it for too long with that deep rumble ringing in my ears like the bells of a choir. I sneaked a quick peak over to wear Magnus and now Iz laughed in the only "plush" chair in the room and caught a glance of that silky jet black hair flying about and a giant smile exposing a line of teeth that twinkled about as much as the glitter crusting his skin and the black liner with silver sparkles about his eyes. It sent flutters all through my belly and my heart must have beaten loud enough for the whole room to hear it but I tried to refocus. _"Working relationship, Alec. Working relationship!" _beat through my head like a tribal drum and it settled the butterflies… for now at least.

Luke cleared his throat, the two quieting their murmurs, and once he had their attention he cleared his throat again and said, "Well yes, I think you two get the idea. Now Alec, " He pointed a calloused finger in my direction, "Alec, I think since you and Isabelle are obviously related I thought that it would be slightly ridiculous if you were a jealous contender for her love, so I'm thinking a disapproving force. So you and Isabelle have a silver string or rope and then a black one with Magnus."

Turning to my sister and fellow aerialist I inspected their faces, trying to gage their opinion. I thought it sounded pretty good actually and if their expressions were anything to go by, they liked it too.

Magnus was the first to voice his opinion and with a serious but somehow still sarcastic voice he said, "I like it. No offense but you guys could use some sex appeal and I can bring the sex appeal."

_I _rolled my eyes and thought, "_No shit Sherlock!"_

Isabelle must have caught me and she laughed before voicing her approval. Luke turned to me and I simply nodded. We were all in approval and Luke leaned back in his folding chair and steapled his fingers, the picture of careful consideration.

I knew what was coming next and I looked him in his eye and just nodded, letting him save his breath. Of course I would put the choreography together. I certainly wasn't going to let Isabelle do it! As much as I loved my sister, she could get a little reckless. Okay, a lot reckless and a little unreasonable.

"Great! Now get out of my office you three… I may or may not have figured you would agree with me so Reed is ready and waiting so Isabelle could you take Magnus here over to costume. Alec I need you to grab Jace and Clary and send them both down."

I nodded which I seemed to be doing a lot during this meeting and headed out, not checking to see if the other two were behind me. Setting off to go find Jace instead.

**Song For This Section~ Stripper by The Sohodolls (I'm obsessed with Gossip Girls, arrest me alright? Also after rereading this part *specifically after they start trying on their costumes* with the song I giggled.. just wait you'll see ;D)**

I heard the costume trailer before I saw it. Tucked away behind a group of housing tents, you had to know it was there to actually find it and I thanked my lucky stars that I had to drop by here earlier in the week to have the resident sower, mender, hemmer, and all around "artsy" person mend a whole in my tights after an unfortunate incident with some random cat. I really wasn't in the mood to ask for directions at the moment and I probably would have wandered around forever trying to find the rusted grey double wide.

A loud crash and a muffled, "Sorry! Gosh I-no I got it. Sorry I really should watch where I go. No I'm fine, thank you, Magnus was it?" Reed's apologies were audible through the crap walls and I let myself grin at his expense for a second before I composed my features and popped open the screen door.

Swiveling my head and taking in the scene, I was relieved that not so much damage was done. Magnus looked worried for the 24 year olds safety and was trying to restack various sparkling fabrics onto a preexisting pile on a folding table; meanwhile, the tiny pixy of a seamstress was hastily working on reorganizing different pieces of paper on to a cork board and trying to apologize. Isabelle just lazily stretched out on a crème chaise lounge that looked out of place among the metal folding chairs and collapsible shelves, looking at the two with a smirk.

When the door swung closed behind me and made the annoying _swak _sound that only screen doors in double wides could, all three heads turned toward me and I blushed under the brown, honey, and emerald gazes before looking away. Pushing aside a few pieces of paper with different designs on them and a few more yards of fabric onto a different block and sat down on whatever exactly was underneath them.

Looking around at the red walls peppered with corkboards and designs upon designs and the cheap shower curtain that sectioned off a section to try on whatever Reed had sewn this time, I got lost in just sitting there and picturing what exactly this production would look like. I imagined the flow and how exactly we were going to work Izzy's horses into our act and what musi-

"Alec I was wondering if I could show you my designs because Isabelle and Magnus theirs." Reed's clear tone brought me out of my daydream and I looked up at the mess of strawberry blonde curls and the pale outstretched hand holding a piece of paper. Taking it slowly so as not to snatch it wrong and cause the skinny, short man to fall over as he so often did, I held it in front of me and looked it over.

The black lines formed a simple pair of tights, similar to what I had before, which were a nude color but the defining difference was the strings of white, black and red that twined up and down my legs coming up and wrapping almost my entire waist. In my minimal fashion knowledge, it was impressive.

"Oh it's not good is it?" I looked up to where an anxious Reed was still standing above me, biting his nails, from his minimal 5'6" height and I quickly shook my head.  
My voice was as perky as I could make it with my raging head ache when I said, "No, it's great Reed. Honest."

A new voice sounded through the trailer as the screen door slammed again.

"Reed I was just down talking to Joce and we're going to New York! We could visit the tweedles. I heard they got married have baby girls and Dwight's down in, and you have company. Hi guys!"

I turned around on the box, which I had just figured out was what I was sitting on after much contemplation, to see Shane dressed in his usual band tee and jeans, curly black hair uncontained and a goofy grin covering his mouth.  
_"All the grace of an excited puppy," _I thought to myself. Then a procession of events caused Reed to trip on thin air and Shane to catch him in a spinning move straight out of some foreign romance film.

Isabelle made an exaggerated, "aww," and Magnus looked over to me with raised eyebrows and I simply shrugged. It wasn't uncommon for the two and as with every time the "Casablanca catches", or so we had dubbed them, Reed blushed as Shane said with that big goofy grin, "Wisely and slow. They stumble that run fast."

I rolled my eyes, but if I was being honest I was slightly jealous at how obviously in love they were. Magnus sighed in a way that I couldn't tell exactly the cause before saying, "Well you two are quite the little chick flick but Reed hunn I do believe that you wanted us to try on your designs, which are fabulous by the way."

This got the two to comeback from their personal little bubble, Shane going off to sit somewhere in the corner, dialing a number before stepping back outside and Reed took one look to his retreating form before he stood up, cheeks blazing so red that I believe he had me beat in the red faced department , then picked up 3 different suits of nude with ribbons tangling through the pile. Face turned down he mumbled something about being excited to get started.

Isabelle spoke up for what seemed like the first time since I entered the double wide and said in a highly suggestive voice, "So who strips first boys?"

My face flooded with color and I refused to look up to where I knew Magnus was going to be standing there, with that damn eye brow quirked and smirk playing over those damn luscious lips. I refused to look up. Refused!

So I was relieved when Magnus said, "I'll go first. Don't peak around that curtain you two. People usually have to pay for that kind of stuff.

That got my attention so I snapped my head up, staring incredulously at him. This just earned me that damn eyebrow and that damn smirk!

"_Working relationship! Working relationship!" _I stared hard at my scuffed up black converse and tried to ignore the scrap of the shower curtain being pulled back or the scrap of it being pulled back. The crack of Magnus's belt buckle coming undone and the schluff of those skin tight leather pants sliding off those gorgeous fucking legs.

Then it hit me, Magnus was going to be in his under ware in seconds, not ten feet from me. I felt heat cover my face and I stared daggers onto the shag carpet below my converse trying to ignore that fact.  
What was the count I wanted for the choreography again?

What did I want to ask Luke?

What color silks did I want for Magnus and I?

What about Magnus?

"_Oh yeah, he's half-fucking-naked ten feet from you dumb ass! How is that nothing? How is that something you ignore?" _I shook my head trying to think of anything but Magnus's… half-naked stuff.

Dead puppies.. stinky men on the subway.. something anything to keep this situation from getting embarrassing!

I was saved by the figurative bell as the shower curtain was pushed back again and Reed offered me my suit to go put on while he tailored Magnus's.

"Oh thank god," I murmured.

Isabelle snickered from her laid back position on the couch. "He's not going to help you."


	4. Road Trip

**Hai Loves! Gonna keep this short but I'm warning you that you could probably skip this chapter because it's just a setup chapter for our setting change but it has some funny little things here and there so meh do as you please (SO excited for the stuff that I have planned to go down in New York. I am halfway finished with chapter five already and I'm just saying it's almost 4,000 words and that's halfway done) As always enjoy and pretty please drop me a review!**

**~L.C (Who is a very excited author because she gets to use her favorite movies in the next chapter)**

**_xxXxx_**

**Song For This Section~ Sour Cherry by The Kills**

"God princess, getting old? Your left jab is worse than Clary's."

I spun and slammed my foot against Jace's padded hand before twisting back and slamming my balled fist against the same red and blue target. Laughing at Jace's idea of encouragement while wiping the sparkling collection of sweat at my brow, I caught and accepted the dig. Realizing I would have no chance with winning in my verbal abilities, I decided to reassert my natural older brother dominance in a different way.

Moving as fast as I could, I faked a kick to his crotch, Jace already bent over to block the unfortunate blow, before straightening out my leg and hooking it around his ankle, efficiently bringing Jace's cocky ass to the slightly damp emerald grass. My knee to his chest and then he was efficiently down for the count. Sweat slicking his blonde hair to his neck and gold eyes blazing with amusement and the challenge of my actions, Jace nodded and I backed off before pulling him up off the grass. I straightened my black athletic shirt and basketball shorts and tried to ignore the peering eyes from the people milling about us. Really we shouldn't screw around in the middle of a field with no mats and emergency services an hour away but it was a little too late for that now.

My voice didn't really sound like my voice when I said, "Dick head, why the hell are you fighting with Clary? Didn't know you two were into that sort of thing."

This got me a laugh but also a sarcastic remark that Jace was famous for. "It may or may not have ended in some hot and half naked make outs but I'm sure you and Magnus have done kinkier."

My jaw just about hit the floor and I just stood there, sneakers making little dents in the grass under my feet, and stared. A second later I realized my mistake but I was too late to stop the straight shot to my middle that sent me sprawling on my back with Jace smirking, Adidas Condivo training pant covered knee to chest. I shook my head and pushed him off me. The ass whole just rolled and stood up like a fucking ninja or something. It really wasn't fair.

Standing up and brushing off his grey wife beater before saying, "What you're not telling me that you look at each other like that and Alec my man, you haven't tapped that? You're losing your touch Alec." I threw my hands in the air and looked at the clear blue sky. Seriously, why did I deserve such treatment? Why?

I purposely ignored the fact that I really didn't have a "touch." I hadn't even kissed anyone yet.

Pointing an accusing finger at the guy who I seriously want to just kick in the shins, I said, "You, shut up, now! No, just, no! I am not having this conversation with you."

Jace adopted an expression that I assumed was supposed to resemble a school girl but really it was creepy and looked like a deer that had been hit by a car while chewing sour candy. I turned, deciding to walk away and remove myself from the situation but I got maybe three feet before I was face to face with caramel sparkling skin and deep green-gold pools.

Looking at Magnus after Jace's previous comment, I blushed fiercely before Magnus smiled, a little too bright and innocent, and said, "Alec! Luke says he wants us to break down our tents and he says I'm riding with you and Isabelle." Oh god, how much did he hear?

I nodded, the blush flaring again. Looking around I saw there was only a few tents up and during the four hours me and Jace had been screwing around, the big top was just a circle of white poles, bare of the blue and silver fabric. "Alright, do you need help with you tent?"

Shaking his head Magnus continued in the same overly chipper voice, "Oh no, no. I'm fine. Shane and Reed helped me."  
Nodding again because this behavior wasn't odd for the pair, I replied, "Yeah, the Ranebows do that a lot-"  
Cutting me off Magnus said, "Why do you call them that?"

Caught off guard by the question I didn't answer right away. Once I actually got my thoughts in order, I explained, "Around here, if you're in a serious relationship, the girls down in sales gives you and the person you're with a name and eventually word spreads. Jessamine and Aline are the worst. Before you know it, everybody starts referring to you as your couple name."

Jace helpfully called from about four feet behind me, "Me and Clary's name is Clace."

A look passed over Magnus's face that I couldn't understand but it was wiped away in seconds and that perky voice was back. "That makes sense in a junior high sort of way. Well, I'll see you later."

Offering a small wave to the retreating plum shirt and signature shiny leather pants, I turned around but turned back a second later after hearing my name called. Blinking in the harsh noon sun, I saw Magnus had faced my direction again after calling my name. He cupped his hands with their sparkling, which I had recently learned were extremely soft, in an "O" around his mouth and yelled, "That was sexy as hell by the way!"

I didn't have time to really gape at the smirking Magnus before he turned around and an ever helpful Jace placed a hand on my shoulder, his shit eating grin a warning to beware his comment that was sure to come.

"Man, you are so getting head toni-OW!"

**Song for the next section~ Fat Bottomed Girls AND Somebody To Love both by Queen **

My feet ached and my mouth was dry from running back and forth from the now broken down big top, huge gaping holes cut out of the grass the only real evidence Cirque Des Ombres had ever been here, to the small area we assigned for all trucks, trailers, and general vehicles needed for moving the production. The two hours since Jace and I had separated ways, Jace rubbing his arm, where exhausting, but finally almost all the fifteen pound braided silks were eventually piled into Izzie's cherry red Ford F-150 and matching two horse hitch up trailer that the circus had lent her to tote around her horses.

Now I was on my final trip, carrying the 4 ft. shimmering purple silk, I thought of what the next twelve hours were going to be like. Usually me and Isabelle would talk for hours and sleep on and off depending on who's driving but now Simon was going to be in the car.

And Magnus…

As I helped her load her horses earlier in between trips, Isabelle had jabbered on and on about how if I just gave Simon a chance, that maybe we would get along and that it would be so fun having both of our men with us this time. I had quickly corrected her about the status of Magnus being my man but she waved away my comment.

So with the gleaming red paint job standing out against the see of chrome and grey, I decided to just sleep until it was my turn to drive. But wait, it was Izzie's turn to drive and what if she made Simon do it for her.

What if he drove the whole ten hours?

What if he drove at all?

We were fucked. Like I might as well start saying the thirty billion hail Mary's I owed someone out there because I was going to die today. I could almost see the newspaper clipping. At least I wouldn't have to go to New York... which I wasn't going to think about anymore!

My inner monologue had taken me to the car so tossed the silk in the back and after securing the tarp over the silks and Izzie's hay supply; I popped the door to the car with an almost silent _ding._ The cool wash of air chilled my burning skin from the august heat outside and I thankfully sunk into the plush leather back seat.

Maybe it wouldn't be that bad. I did have Magnus to play referee between me and the grunge bimbo and Isabelle seemed to not be bored with this one yet so she wouldn't let me eat him too bad.

I shut my eyes, trying to regain some of the stability in my legs but I didn't get too long to myself before the front passenger side door gave the same high pitched _ding_ and the car was filled with the smell of old spice and cigarrete smoke. I cracked one eye just barely open so I could see the dirty black jeans and band tour tee. Wanting to let out a groan and roll my eyes but holding out against the urge, I fully opened my eyes and gave the kid who couldn't be older than 17 but had all the muscle and looks of a prepubescent girl.

He nodded back and I closed my eyes again, saving the dragon for later. Then there was another _ding, _this time from my left and a wash of vanilla perfume invaded the car so I didn't even need to open my eyes to see the raven black hair and deep brown eyes to know my sister has graced us with her presence. Then a final _ding _erupts from my side and I do pop my eyes open only to have focus on Magnus, in the same leather pants and plum shirt but with a thin layer of sweat glistening on his skin that only added to his sex appeal.

It really wasn't fair that the man could look good while sweating and I ended up looking like a drowned rat, but he had started talking so I tried to ignore the little voice in my head and focus on his words coming from lately glossed lips.

"Oh goodness, I'm so excited! I love road trips! We could play games and just talk for hours and listen to music! Did I mention I'm really excited?" Child-like glee filled his lined and glitter crusted eyes and the hushed whisper was kept just between the two of us. The fact that he only shared his excitement with me, made my heart jump excitedly but I tried to remind myself that he probably didn't think about me like that. I mean I was awkward and just plain. Right now I was wearing a faded black sweater for Christ's sake and Magnus was just so... Magnus.

Our differences were painfully clear to me, but hadn't Magnus said I was sexy earlier? Was he kidding?

All these questions ran through my head as I smiled genuinely at Magnus and leaned back after noticing how close our faces were. Isabelle sent me a raised eyebrow and mouthed, "Wanky," before looking toward Simon and asking, "Hey can you drive first?"

Simon must have agreed because the two front doors popped simultaneously and Izzie and the grunge bimbo hopped outside but I was too busy watching Magnus reaching forward and fiddling with the radio.

Soon a queen song was beating over the radio and Freddie Mercury was calling out about fat bottomed women. A surprising choice for someone like Magnus, who seemed to make a pop culture reference every thirty seconds, most of which I didn't get, but I wasn't complaining.

Isabelle wasn't either apparently because as soon as she popped into the passenger seat, she started singing at the top of her lungs, like some lunatic, but the craziness was infectious because before too long everyone in the car was singing along.

Then the walkie talkie in the little whole that was supposed to be for drinks pulsed out a crackle of static before Luke's distorted voice buzzed out the all clear to move out. I scooted to the side window and took on last look, still humming along to the bridge of the song; the plain grass showed nothing but a holes and dent where tent poles once stood. No memory that we had ever been here.

I sat back and kept up my almost silent tune. Choosing to listen to Izzie's and Magnus's argument instead. "No I'm telling you that Freddie Mercury was gay!"

"I'm not disagreeing with you darling but I'm just saying that as a freewheeling bisexual myself I don't think that it is so ridiculous to believe that the man might have dabbled in other avenues and therefor his song may not be complete fiction." Magnus flicked his hand and rolled his eyes as if it was crazy that anyone could be right but him. I had to place a hand over my mouth to stifle the small laugh that bubbled out of my chest at his gesture.

Izzie was equally aghast as she turned in her seat, seat belt long forgotten, to face Magnus and replied, "He was screwing his base player, and everybody knows it."

Quick as lightening Magnus found an answer and in his almost signature tone that was a mix of complete dead pan and deprecating, a combination that only really Magnus could pull off, he said, "Hey, a man needs some fancy finger work sometime!"

"Ever heard of two much information?" Izzie said with an impressive eye roll.

"Ever heard of my-"

This was taking the conversation to a ridiculous level to I cut a disgruntled Magnus off before he could say one more thing that would make my face just fly off my neck from embarrassment. "Alright you two. How bout we switch the conversation."

"Spoil sport!" was muttered from one of the two but I ignored it. Isabelle got an evil look in her eye the next second and before I could purpose my own idea for a conversation about something that wouldn't make my already beet read face even redder, she suggested, "How bout we play truth or dare strip style?"

That wasn't happening. No way in fucking hell. She was trying to kill me but Magnus quickly agreed and that damn Simon kid just had to agree didn't he! He really wasn't earning any points in my book but then again...

No! This was going to suck and no, just no.

Wanting to ignore everything, I turned to the window but Isabelle just had to pick me didn't she?

In a sing song voice Isabelle said, "Alec, truth or dare?"

Imagining all the bad questions she could ask and thinking of minimal things she could dare me to do I said, "Dare."

"Oh you're no fun. Hmm give me a second." Isabelle conspiratorially leaned over to Magnus and their hair mixed together creating a curtain of impending doom. I was truly screwed. My fear was only confirmed when she leaned over to Simon who was turning onto a crowded freeway and whispering in his ear. He nodded with a slightly bored expression and apparently my fate was sealed.

Clearing her throat before saying, "Okay dear brother, I dare you to moan, loudly."

Magnus helpfully added, "Let out your inner orgy babe."

That didn't help my face situation which probably had the color of a fire truck and certainly not the uncomfortable tightening in my pants.

What could I do but that I realized my secret weapon, the other probably didn't have.

I quickly took off my sweater.

Then I straightened my black short sleeve tee and stared around at Izzie and Magnus whose faces ranged from incredulous to slightly appraising. Magnus gave me a wink and I smiled awkwardly at the two before asking, "So do I ask someone something now?"

A frustrated because her plan was spoiled Izzie nodded and I turned to the grunge bimbo in the front seat and ask him to pick his poison through the mirror.

"Truth or Dare Simon?"

He looked warily in the mirror as if he sense what I had in store for him, but eventually said, eyes back on the clogged highway and the car filled with Tessa, Jem, and Will in front of us, "Dare."

That put a slight spin on my plans and I looked over at Magnus who winked at me and leaned over. Closer and closer, the inches between us disappeared and then my heart was in my throat and he was whispering in my ear, "Make him put an ice cube down his pants. God knows he's got a raging hard-on from your sister just sitting there. It's almost pitiful that he can't hold himself back."

I looked at Magnus with an incredulous expression and shook my head. There was no way in hell that I was going to do that!

I looked back at Simon, who was staring a little too hard out the front window. Shaking my head, I muttered, "Never mind. Forget about it."

"Fine, I elect Magnus to go next."

The man in question looked the happiest I had seen him since we meet a week ago and quickly answered, "Dare. I choose dare!"

Izzie didn't hesitate either when she said, "I dare you to kiss Alec." She then turned around to face front with an evil wink at me.

I wanted to yell a giant no, but at the same time a huge fucking yes, like the one where your favorite sports team scores a goal. I didn't know how to feel but I didn't have time to decide my feelings because Magnus leaned in and kissed me.

When he pulled away a second layer, staying put a little bit longer than truly needed, I just sat there, a little shocked and a little lightheaded, but I came to quick enough to rub the lip print of shimmering gloss off my check.

"Oh you suck; I didn't mean a kiss on the cheek!" Magnus simply rolled his eyes and yawned dramatically.

"I'm getting bored with this shenanigans. It isn't as fun in a car. How about w- Hey! Turn the radio up! This is like my jam!"

Simon obliged and Magnus started singing at the top of his lungs. He was actually a really good singer and before long I was smiling like an idiot because of how happy he looked.

I hummed along quietly with him but stopped as all of a sudden Magnus's hands clutched mine and he broke away from singing to excitedly say, "Come on Alec, please sing with me?"

I couldn't deny the childlike pools of green that I was swimming in and rolled my eyes before joining on the chorus of _Somebody To Love by Queen._

We sang until we were breathless and the song changed to something from _The Black Keys. _Laughing afterwords didn't help me catch my breath but I couldn't help it. We were singing like idiots and I know for a fact that I can't sing well.

Izzie broke our laughter by looking behind her and saying, "You two sound really good together."

I dismissed the meaning Izzie was probably trying to get across and decided to close my eyes for a second instead because I really was tired.

I don't know when I fell asleep or what was going on while I was asleep but all I do know was that what seemed like a second later, Isabelle was shaking my leg and I had my head leaning against a sleeping Magnus's chest. Somehow our hands were clasped and I quickly jerked my hand free, afraid of how Magnus might feel at the implications of the gesture.

This woke Magnus up and we both looked confused and I'm sure my face was bright red but Izzie just laughed at our expressions and said, "We're here boys. Welcome to New York City."


	5. Of Elephants and Censoring

**Okay so I suck but hey you guys already knew that didn't you?**

**First reason why I suck is pretty obvious (Me not being able to update any single freaking thing I write within a month if it was a secret but it's not) and I sincerely apologize for that. I have had some shit hit my personal life fan and needless to say I got thoroughly covered and this little world of ships and au's has fallen to the way side but hopefully everything shall get better and I will be back more regularly**

**Second reason I suck is that I never explained that every 5 chapters I was going to switch POV's (Alec to Magnus and then back)**

**(well that's what I plan to do but if a disproportionate amount of you decide to tell me kindly to not go down that path then I may possibly reconsider but I haven't told you so how can the masses outcry)**

**Welp anyways I hope you enjoy this 4,000+ word chapter because my fingers hurt**

**OH! I must admit that the whole club that I obviously can't talk about but is totally fucking awesome is not my creation but is my favorite movie ever so yep**

**Happy trails and Enjoy my lovely (and amazingly patient*like Yoda level patient and I thank you so much for that*) Readers & Reviewers**

**~L.C**

**_xxXxx_**

**Song For This Section~ Next Year by Two Door Cinema (Just a good song that I kinda thought worked)**

Worries are kind of like a runny nose. They're always there but if you get distracted enough that ache in your mind and heart or that annoying sniffle magically disappear, only to reappear and take your breath away. Since stepping off Izzy's truck nearly a full 24 hours ago, I had been constantly searching for anything to keep that ache away and had bounced from physical exercise to physical exercise but eventually all safe havens kick you out on your ass and I had become desperate. Desperate enough to resort to watching T.V with my siblings.

"No I'm telling you, that's just fucking gnarly," Izzy said from where she sat cross legged above me. Jace was sprawled on the fugly rug that he had probably picked up at a flea market similar to where the TV sitting on his trunk of personal belongings had come from. An electrical cord, or rather death trap as I had nicknamed it, hung out from behind the bunny eared contraption and snaked all the way down to the four universal generators parked behind the shower stalls and bathrooms, both of which I had found out earlier as the circus unfolded onto the small plot of land, were a bitch to set up.

I dropped my head back onto Jace's bunk and stared up at Izzy as she braided her hair back to go with her "forest ranger chic" look, her words not mine, and couldn't help but asking, "Gnarly?"

She just shrugged and turned back to the screen where _Anna, _a poor compulsive human hair eater, was sitting on a comfortable and oh so stereotypical counselor reclining chair and was talking about how the death of her beloved husband, may Jesus lead _Bob_ safely, caused her obsession with eating hair. The whole thing was ridiculous and mildly nauseating but sadly TLC and QVC were the only non-blurrish TV stations that weren't in Spanish or, for some strange reason, Russian.

After some tears and a few too many scenes of _Anna _eating suspiciously curly black hair, the screen went completely blank and words faded into a bright white line that Jace oh so helpfully read aloud, because you know that the rest of the tent was illiterate, right.

"_Anna has reduced her human hair consumption to only once per day and is still speaking to counselors on the subject._" Jace made a disgusted face that was dramatic enough to snatch an Oscar and just as he was opening his mouth to add a surely hilarious comment, the words faded back into black only to be replaced by a different set which, obviously, Jace had to oh so helpfully read. "_She hopes to make a full recovery before her anniversary." _The screen faded again but no more updates on Anna's condition were to be read, only 2 full minutes of credits. This gave Jace the opening he needed so desperately, "Well that was fucked up. God, did you see when she ate those pubes?"

This was met with a very vocal groan from my corner of the world and Jace looked at me with a snarky grin that basically signaled the destruction of whatever pride I thought I held. I groaned again, knowing that whatever "funny" comment that was coming wasn't really going to be all that funny to me.

Jace in a very good impersonation of a stoic John Wayne said, "You, Alexander Gideon Lightwood cannot look me in my face and say that that piece of very curly and very dark hair did not come from a 100% all beef thermometer."

That was just disgusting but not disgusting enough to hide the blush from my cheeks. Isabelle had to have seen my white flag of embarrassment so she helpfully added, "I think you mean a yogurt cannon."

Catching on, Jace nodded and said, "To say a long dong silver."

Even with my face thoroughly heated up, they decided to take turns, the bastards.

"A d-train headed downtown for sure."

"Definitely a love stick."

"Stinky pickle perhaps?"

"No, no a bologna pony."

"Divine Rod of Love Making is my personal favorite."

"Nice that has style, class ev-"

My face had to be the color of a tomato and I could almost feel the heat radiating off of it as I quickly interrupted the innuendo may lay.

With my hands covering my face, I half-yelled, half-whispered, "That's it. I get it. I got it. Okay? Okay. Now can you two please stop? I'm done."

Isabelle grabbed at my wrists and tried to pry them away as she cooed in a sing-song voice, "Oh Alec, did we embarrass you?"

I shook my head and got up, carefully entangling myself from Izzy, so as not to hurt her. Ten steps and I was outside listening to the continued list of unfortunate slang.

I turned around and leaned against a support pole in the tents flowing khaki cover and let a small smile play over my lips at the continued ruckus from inside, now accompanied by a very loud Clinton Kelly complaining about something called a Mumu.

Starting to walk to my own tent, I was so utterly absorbed in the moment that I didn't notice the person walking up behind me until they touched my shoulder.

I reacted, unfortunately my flight or fight was more fight or kill, and instantly sprung out a hand to do some kind of destruction but pulled it at the last second when I saw the green-gold eyes completely filled with terror.

**Song For This Section~ The Wolves by Ben Howard**

Magnus buckled at his middle and fell to his knees and then forward onto his hands, cowering in a ball. I didn't know what to do or how to react but I fell to my knees too and placed a hand on his shoulder. It didn't help the quickly forming flower of destruction opening up in my chest as Magnus tried to get away from my hand and looked up at me with tears gushing down his face and his whole body was shaking uncontrollably despite the fact that it was nearly 90 degrees.

But something was wrong despite the obvious. His eyes stared wide and frightened at me but they were murky like they didn't actually see me. Like they were seeing through me into some deep pit of hell and I was the video screen.

"No, shit Magnus, I'm sorry. I'm so sorry! I-I can fix this," I stared around at the field which seemed to have cleared the single time I was desperate for someone. Anyone! Letting out a frustrated puff of air, I collected myself and all the pieces that had shattered at causing Magnus to be like this. I growled out, "I can fucking fix this," in an attempt to keep myself together. Running down my mental list of people who could maybe help me, I eventually decided that I was desperate enough to call in a favor.

Gently putting an arm under the now limp, but still shivering and sobbing, Magnus. I tried to pull him up off the ground enough to readjust my arm so that I could coax him into walking. Eventually, he was half leaning and half falling onto my shoulder, body still racked with violent shivers and sobs. After a few steps, it was obvious that walking wasn't going to happen so with a swing of my arms under Magnus's long legs, I was carrying him wedding style and basically running towards the outermost reaches of the circus's allotted plot.

As I weaved my way through the different pens and cages of the various circus animals, I started to get progressively more worried. The cords of muscles along his arms and torso were locked tight, and tears still created crystal trails along his face but the shaking had stopped and sobs no longer racked his body. Stopping every few seconds to readjust my arms because Magnus was slowly slipping out of my arms, damn leather pants, it seemed to take hours to get to where I needed to be.

Finally, I made it to the three connected tents and pushed my way through the middle flap. My eyes quickly adjusted to the dim light and I stared, pleadingly, at Jem, Tessa, and Will before saying, "Please help me. I-I don't know what to do. I just, help me."

As if this thing happened every day, the group moved as one to their apparently allotted positions. Will walked up to me and took Magnus from my now sagging arms and moved him over to a cot. Jem disappeared into an adjoining tent. Tessa started emptying water bottles into a kettle and asked me in a gentle tone, "Alexander, what happened? Tell me everything so we can know what to do."

Sucking in a steadying breath I recounted the unnaturally quick story, Tessa, Will, and Jem who had reappeared carrying a large suitcase that, after he efficiently unzipped it, I found out was full of medical supplies, all nodded as I told my story and only Jem spoke after asking in his usual calm and controlled voice, "Do you have any idea why Magnus might react like this?"

This stopped me dead in my mental tracks. Should I tell them? Was it my secret to tell? Would Magnus be upset if I told someone else? Had Magnus made it common knowledge about his past? At the time, it had felt like Magnus was sharing a dark part of his past just with me but what if it was something he threw away. What if-But no. He couldn't have thrown it away or otherwise they would have known why had reacted the way he did. What should I do? This was Magnus's health we were talking about and right then and there I decided that I would rather deal with a possibly mad Magnus than a possibly sick Magnus. My voice cracked with the exertion of the whole event when I explained, "His father abused him. I don't know much about it but I do know that before he left, I guess it got pretty bad."

Again all three of them nodded in synchronization and then turned to each other, talking without words like only those who were connected on the deepest level could. A long moment passed and I just wanted to scream and yell because no matter how many times I denied it to my prying sister or her annoying friends, I felt something for Magnus. I don't know if it was romantic or just a deep connection on a friendship level but that didn't matter right now. I cared if he was alright and the skin that should be the color of summer and heat was pale. The eyes that should be alight with a joke on the tip of his tongue were closed, the lids dark like he hadn't been sleeping lately. Had they been like that yesterday when we were driving? I couldn't remember and that scared me. Usually I was so careful to watch and make sure everyone else was okay and now I felt like a failure.

My makeshift EMTs took another minute of silent conversation before Will took his turn to speak and said, "He probably is just a little bit in shock. He doesn't need a hospital or anything but he isn't going to be up to his usual snuff for a few hours. We have to go to talk to a man about some trainers so you can sit here with him and when he wakes up, which he will probably in the next ten to fifteen minutes; you can give him some tea. Another thirty minutes to rest and then you can take your happy arses out of our tent, Lightwood."

Tessa and Jem both looked at Will tiredly and said together, "Will!"

Will just shrugged his shoulders and started to walk out the tent. Halfway out of the flap he turned around and our eyes locked. I saw that night flash behind his eyes and I remembered it too. I saw the lite kisses that I shouldn't have seen and I heard the deep wet coughs. I felt the light weight on my arms, so similar to Magnus and I heard the desperate mumble off, "_Please take him back and don't tell anyone." _I saw it all replayed behind my eyelids before remembering that I was here and my eyes focused back on Will who gave me a meaning full look before saying, "We're even now Lightwood." Without another word or some much as a glance back, he disappeared out into the bright sunlight. The other two shared a look again but followed Will outside, leaving me with some kind words and a pat on the shoulder.

**Song For This Section~ Fire by Ingrid Michaelson (Okay not the best song choice but just go with it my Yoda level patient readers)**

Waiting was never my specialty, especially with Magnus's quickly evening breath. Every intake and then puff on the exhale was equivalent to one ounce of sanity to slipping out of my body and in to whatever ether lay out there. If I was in a movie, I would have probably thought deeply about the purpose of life and about how this reflected into my own life. I would have a deep internal monologue. I'm sure it would be profound as all hell.

Unfortunately my thoughts were neither profound nor deep. My thoughts mimicked that of a sixth grade school girl.

"_Do I like Magnus? Like, like like Magnus?_" repeated itself over and over again through my head. I didn't think I did but when Magnus had crumpled to the ground, I hadn't worried like I would worry about a friend or even Isabelle. No I lost my shit and the only reason I had kept it together was because I knew that losing my shit visibly and not just in my head wasn't going to get Magnus anywhere near help. That didn't necessarily mean I liked, liked Magnus but as the color returned to his cheeks and his eyelids occasionally started to flutter, I was forced to admit to myself that those butterflies that had been there sense my gaze met those intoxicating green-gold eyes were now full-fledged elephants trampling their way up and down my digestive track.

It wasn't professional and it wasn't like me at all. Sitting here alone, well almost alone, I could admit to myself that Magnus was definitely attractive. Being perfectly honest he was sex on a corn-dog stick with a big dollop of orgy eyes and then a nice sprinkling of a delicious ass (all of which I could never think around anyone else in case someone had mind reading powers I didn't know about). Somehow it was more than that though. Magnus had this personality and way about him that somehow managed to take my worries and just generally shitty attitude and made everything seem not so bad.

But this was ridiculous. First off, we had only known each other what? Two weeks? You can't like, like someone in two weeks. I barely knew Magnus thinking about it. Where he was born; his favorite food; whether or not he was allergic to shellfish and all the other things you really needed to know to like, like someone were mysteries to me. There for I couldn't like, like Magnus. Right? Right. Second off, even if I did really like, like Magnus, he could never like, like me back. We were the most opposite of opposite. To bookends from different dollar stores. He was all fashion and glitter and sex and I was wholly sweaters and just… grey. Plain, boring and nothing to get excited over. I was- A raspy voice rose from the cot saying, "My head is fucking killing me."

I reacted much like the sixth grade girl I was apparently turning into. My arms flailed and I quickly jumped up to run and get the tea, I was assuming it was on the makeshift stove, knocking over the folding chair I had pulled up next to the bed in the process. This caused me to cuss profusely, a terrible act for the sixth grade girl I was, and a low chuckle to come from the bed my back was turned to.

The tea was exactly where I thought it would be. Pouring it into a cup and burning my hand on the way back to the cot, I eventually handed it to a sitting up and slightly moaning Magnus. The elephants in my digestive track weren't helping as I said, "How are you feeling?"

Another laugh and another groan before the reply came. "I feel like I partied way to much but last time I checked I was going to check on you to make sure you were alright."

This wasn't the best thing for my inner sixth grader and she very violently decided to appear in my cheeks, also known as a blush the color of a baboon's ass right there on my face because that's attractive. The only thing to make the whole thing better was that as I opened my mouth to talk the words came out as, "Oh wel-we-well I'm fi-fine. But a-are you s-ss-sure you're okay?" I hadn't stuttered that bad since forever ago and now of all fucking times was the day that I had to stutter my ass off. I seriously wanted to hit my head off the wall but that would be even worse than my apparent problem with talking.

Magnus didn't mention it out right but he cracked open an eye to give me a cat-like glance before shutting them again and asking, "Did you hit me?"

My mental train hit a cow and flew into a river full of snakes and sea monsters.

I knew what the answer was but those eyes haunted me even though their luminosity was hidden behind caramel eye lids. I couldn't just say _Hell no man. I just tried to because I'm a nervous fucking wreck. Btdubs we should totally shack up. _Minus the last part, I decided to edit and somehow get out a similar statement. Magnus just nodded and then sat still for a good long minute. Attempting not to be a total creeper, I took a look around the tent I had already been in multiple times before. Looking from a picture perched upon one of the many book stacks of a happy couple with a baby that I didn't know and had never heard any of the three talk about, to a gleaming violin lightly dusted with white rosin that I knew belonged to Jem. Finally, my gaze landed on a picture of the three of them, happy and on some bridge with the couple from the other picture, minus the baby, and a cat clutched tightly in Jem's arms. They all looked so young, eighteen at the most, and so different from how they looked now. A little thought pushed the back of my frazzled mind that maybe I was that different. I had no way to know and no one really to ask since the only people who knew me before I jumped the family ship and came to live with the circus were Izzy and Jace and how can you be a fair judge of change if you've probably changed yourself?

Magnus spoke up then, saying, "I'm not mad at you ya know."

How did you respond to that without sounding like a jack ass? I didn't know so I just sat there trying to imagine a way to respond but not coming up with anything especially considering I didn't know what I was trying to say. I hadn't thought about whether or not Magnus was going to be mad about making him go into a fit, or whatever the hell that was. I was just worried about making him better.

Magnus must have taken my silence for a no because he continued with, "Alexander, as much as I hate to say it as it is very out of character so please don't tell my fans, I couldn't be mad with you. For some reason even if you had square knocked me out for no apparent reason, I think I wouldn't be able to muster any pissed off juices for you. Do you kinda get where I'm going or am I just creeping you out. Both of which are completely possible but one is much more favorable so I hope you'll say the former…. Hopefully?"

My mental train that had managed to right itself onto the tracks again, fell into a black hole of sixth grade girl hell. I instantly started analyzing what he could have meant by that and if that meant he liked, liked me or if he was saying that in a deep friend sort of way or-

"You're not saying anything so I'm assuming it's the creepy way and there for I have to kill you because the public can never know that I didn't manage to be sarcastic, sexy, and sensitive for once." He laughed a little but then gave me a serious look, like I was the one who should be in the cot and not him.

I guess the drool that was probably hanging out of my mouth might have not helped my case but I snapped back into existence and said the one thing on my mind, "Don't call me Alexander. Just call me Alec."

That was obviously the most important matter at hand. God I was so clueless but Magnus smiled a tiny smile that spoke of fondness-or my very sudden desperate attitude. Seriously, when had I turned into this person hanging off of the hope that maybe everything Magnus did or said had a double entendre that was constantly saying _yes I like, like you. Now get into my bed. _Last time, I checked I wasn't like this approximately an hour ago. Had questioning my feelings seriously thrown me into a tail spin of desperation? If so I vowed right then and there, silently of course, to never question my feelings toward Cheetos puffs because god that would be ridiculous.

"I'm sorry, Alec. I don't know, I guess I just like the name Alexander, sounds powerful and wise I guess."

I laughed saying, "Powerful my ass. Sounds pretentious as all hell. Alexander Gideon Lightwood? No, I'm not that exciting or that big of a deal."

Magnus's face got serious and he locked eyes with me as he said, "I think you're a big deal. You're a lot bigger deal than you give yourself credit for, blue angel."

Now that wasn't just my dive bomber plane of desperation talking that time. A fucking nun would have considered that slightly flirtatious. Right? Of course!

I could see that Magnus was getting tired again so I decided, "Hey, you need to sleep. We have a big performance coming up. I'll make sure Will doesn't kill you because he thinks you're a six fingered troll or something."

Another smile and I got up and left, leaving Magnus lying down. I gave myself one last look at Magnus, who was so tall that the tips of his silver combat boots hung off the edge of the cot, before I slipped outside.

I was momentarily blinded by the switch from the single candle room to the rays of a fucking angel sun but my eyes eventually adjusted and I turned to the secluded area I had managed to swipe before the dick heads that washed the equipment placed their happy asses down. Walking across the dry grass, jeans and black sweatshirt making me uncomfortably hot, I again got lost in my personal thoughts. Again I didn't notice the people waiting outside of my tent until I got there.

**Song For This Section~ Turning Tables by Adele (Honestly if you're ever going to listen to any of the music that I recommend, it's this song. I, just please go ahead and find it, please for me)**

"Hello, Alexander." Clipped and controlled, just like the military cut to his black hair.

This wasn't happening. It couldn't be happening. How did they get here? My head reeled like the ground had been stolen from underneath me and my lungs choked up as if denying my body the right to live anywhere near the man who plagued my nightmares. I felt those eyes push down on me as my skin turned to ice and I felt it; that burning desire to appease him and make him proud. The kind of desire that had pushed people to insanity but unlike those poor beaten souls, I had figured out my father's big secret. No matter how much I tried, I could never please him, nothing would make his eyes shine with pride instead of the hateful disgust like they did right now. Nothing I could do. Nothing anyone could do. He was unmovable and unreachable on his cloud of selective acceptance; an area he only considered himself worthy of.

Staring straight back, my eyes meeting his without a waiver of worry for the consequences of my actions, I bit back a smile because I had figured it out. The beautiful lie that was my father was just that, a beautiful lie, and as I replied, I cocked an eyebrow silently challenging, silently saying, and "_Am I more than you bargained for yet?"_

"Father." I turned to face my mother standing a little off to the right. To the untrained eye she looked like she had just walked a little slower but I could see the slump in her shoulders and knew that the position was more defense than the fact that she was considerably shorter than her husband. My blood boiled as images of abuse played behind my eyes but I continued in the same flat tone as when I addressed the man who had caused her to cower, "Mother. I'm glad to see you. It's been too long."

My dad opened his mouth to spurt out some no doubt off hand slur about something in the general vicinity when my mother interrupted him in a small act of defiance. My heart warmed slightly but also froze solid in worry as she stepped forward with her back straight and confident and said in a quiet voice with a sad smile, "Alexander, I've missed you so much. My god it has been too long, far too long, and you're all grown up." Her smile faltered for a second before it fell back into place and she laughed a little. She continued again a second later, "You need a haircut though and you look a little pale. What's wrong?"

I thought about how exactly I should answer that. There was so many things wrong with what was going on right now and to pick just one would be a joke. Taking a little too long to answer though made both my parents eyebrows raise, all be it for different reasons, so I quickly blurted out the first thing that came to mind. My tried and true excuse for the years that I had been hulled up in the mansion on the upper east side.

"I'm just tired."

But then again, I was tired wasn't I? Tired of not being good enough. Tired of feeling like everything was my fault. Tired of pretending I was okay with what had happened. Tired of pretending I was just okay. Tired of pretending to lessen who I really was. Tired of bullshit cover ups for people whispering when they had no right to whisper. Tired of having to live off someone else's dollar even if that person didn't see the obvious debt owed. Tired of this place that was my salvation but also a constant reminder of why I needed salvation. Tired of myself. Tired of waking up every morning. Tired of this life that I had made.

So yeah, I was just tired.

My mom didn't look like she believed it and neither did my dad but Isabelle had come around some corner and walked into the firing line. I tried to give her a look that said _Don't even think about getting in the middle of this_ but Izzy was Izzy and she didn't listen. She instead ran up and looped her thin arms around both of my parents. My father's look was priceless but as she let go, I saw a slight softening in the corner of his eyes that gave me hope that maybe he wouldn't screw with Izzy.

Unfortunately the same didn't hold for me because the second Izzy released him the flood gates of bull shit opened and he said after taking a look around and spotting Aline and Helen walking along, happy and holding hands, "This place obviously hasn't helped your unfortunate choice."

I don't know if it was just because today was just becoming ridiculous or whether I was actually tired of censoring myself for my dad's ignorance even though we hadn't seen each other in four years but I said in the flattest tone I could muster, "No it obviously hasn't since they have hot orgies every day. All of which include some very gay actions. Aren't you proud of me Dad?"

Red hot anger rose in my dad's eyes but I wasn't scared anymore. I ignored the hateful things he spotted because no matter what he said, as long as I didn't let it hurt me it wouldn't. Well that's what I told myself but being completely honest it hurt like a white hot iron when my dad finally let out a breath and spat on my shoe, with his last words being, "I didn't even want to come and I shouldn't have come. You disgust me. You're a useless faggot and that's all you'll ever be."

But I knew the secrets of my father now and I knew the one thing that would make him stop. I spat back with my own words only my words rang of the most truth I could muster.

"I know but I don't' care. I don't care what you call me or what you believe I am because I am so done with your ignorance. I'm done with all you crap. I'm done with this fake idea of who I should be because unfortunately I'm not who you think I should be. I'm so much better, "Turning to my mother I added, "I hope you can leave this jack ass because your better than him and you deserve so much more. Now if you can excuse me."

I pushed past them only to be stopped when I realized that I was leaving Izzy in the war path. I turned back to ask her to come with me but she was already gone.

**Song For This Section~ Radioactive by Imagine Dragons (Please listen to this one for me too…)* Also I would like to thank David Fincher for directing such an amazing flick that has inspired the whole next section of terrible writing***

I didn't pay attention to where I was going for hours. Hijacking Izzy's pickup, I drove and drove, tears falling down my cheeks, unbidden be my and unfortunately uncontrollable. As brave a face as I had put on in front of my father, everything he had said had torn tiny holes in my chest. Leaving me like Swiss cheese, I felt broken and useless.

A poet once said that bad habits were tools to get us through life and unfortunately I needed something to get me through life right then. So I fell into not so much a bad habit like biting your nails but more like snorting glue level bad habit.

Of course I didn't know I was falling into my bad habit until it was too late and I was walking off of a subway I didn't remember choosing to get on. Following through, again without really thinking because the stress from the Magnus thing and just everything that had happened today had shut my brain down progressively until I was running on auto pilot.

Pushing through a jeweled curtain on to a bar I knew all too well, I walked past the long gazes and kept walking until I got to the six foot man with bright blue hair and a red jacket. One look, a whispered, "Ouroboros," on my part, and I knew I was in, a nod and a push door that unfortunately I pulled, a hall way, back door which I again pulled instead of pushed only now I didn't have an audience, a few alleys, another back entrance only now it was a warehouse, and I was welcomed into hell by its denizens.

It smelled like sex, money, and sweat, the smell of the lucky ones, the winners who could live another day and it was only permeated by the blood and tears of the losers. The smell of life, failure, and occasionally death.

The Pandemonium Club offered all the vices a young twelve year old needed. Drugs, sex, greed, and violence all held a strong grip on the constantly moving establishment but I had never partaken in three of the four.

No, the violence was my thing and seeing as how I had never lost a fight, I would say I did my thing pretty well. Standing at the edge of the circle, I watched as a man that looked as if he had been pulled out of a silent movie with his handle bar mustache was fighting a short, miniscule even, man. Instantly I knew that the little man would win. Unlike the other around of me who only saw the strength of Mr. Nosferatu but I saw the stance and structure of the other guys training and new that though it might take a while, he would win. I didn't have to wait long for my prediction to come true. The little man slammed both of his hands over Mr. Intolerance's ears before hitting his straight in his temple, effectively knocking him out.

After watching another few fights and slowly moving my way forward in the crowd, turning down a few offers along the way, I finally made it to the front and watched a few frat boys attempt to fight but not really do anything but look like scared little girls. Eventually the crowd called out for a size fire only it wasn't quite as eloquently put. A tense second to see who would take the death step into the ring and after a few seconds I collected myself and crossed over the line.

I wasn't waiting there for long because after a few seconds one of the frat boys from earlier stepped forward, gold hair stuck to the back of his neck and sweat glistened over his back and shoulders in the dim light from the stars through the open air ceiling. Cat calls arose from similar looking guys in a row up front shouting things like, "Yeah kick his ass Seb!"

Ignoring it all, I took off my sweater and squared my shoulders, fists up. I took the same position every time and apparently people had been haunting this palace if hell for longer than I had thought because from somewhere in the crowd I heard, "Aye ain't that the Lightwood kid?" A few more shouts of recognition and I knew my jig was up. They would kick me out which would probably be the best but I wanted to feel something in this numbness that seeped through the holes in my chest. Pain wasn't the preferable option but it would do. It was something, I knew and something I could work with.

I didn't want to go back to the field, back to people who wanted to talk. Back to people who meant well but didn't understand. No I needed this and I wasn't going to leave without my fight.

They didn't seem all that eager to pull me out though. After the few old timers started recognizing me, money started flooding down the line to a sleek suited Asian man with a hand full of cash and another hand in the air, that I knew, when dropped would single the start of my fun.

The guy opposite me gave me an up and down look before giving me a stupid look that read pure cockiness. I was going to have to readjust that.

A look to the man with the handful of cash and then the signal dropped.

I instantly sprung back knowing that with that cocky ass look that the first move was going to be made by him. Seb, or so the guys kept yelling, fell forward and nearly ate the floor but righted himself at the last second, grin still there but with a twinge of fear. Another swing, this time aimed for my stomach, and another fall forward. Everything seemed to slow down as I grabbed the back of his neck and flung him backwards, causing him to fall flat of his back and nearly out of the circle.

"_Rule number one kid. Only three ways you can get out. You fall out the circle. People don't like you or you get knocked out. I guess you can die to but I'm sure you ain't that bad."_

A distant memory now of a man's voice without a place able face but the words still rung true so with a final kick to the apparent golden boys chest and he was out of the circle. The second he was out, a friend came up who was just as stupid of a fighter. Another one who landed one punch but I nearly broke his nose.

One by one another and another man came forward. Some were short and some were tall. Some were actually experienced and others were just full of themselves but had never fought a day in their lives. I seemed to stand in the middle of that ring and with each fight I seemed to lose another bit of myself.

Finally, a guy with black hair, clean unlike most of the grease slicked men surrounding us, came into the circle and I felt it. That feeling you get at the peak of a roller coaster. That feeling that I knew I was going to fail.

The signal was given and the man opposite me made no move forward. The stale mate went on for a few seconds before in a blinding flick of legs; he fell forward and attempted to knock my feet out from under me. I managed to just barely move out of the way but I didn't stay perfectly on balance so I wasn't completely ready for the second attack. I felt the punch to my midsection before I saw his hands move. Pain rippled through my abdomens but it didn't stop me, it pushed my tired muscles into over drive and I quickly retaliated with a punch to his temple which connected but wasn't enough to knock him out.

Another punch landed but this time it was a direct hit to my eye. Pain boiled through my blood and I couldn't see with the tears pouring down my face. I had to do something I couldn't go out like this. I wildly flew my hands out no longer caring if I had proper for. I just wanted to connect my fist to something.

Flailing for what felt like minutes, while feeling the effects of a punch to my temple, my vision was slowly closing in and then I saw it. Through the darkness I saw my opening as he momentarily put his guard down to push hair out of his eyes and I threw my punch.

It hit home and with a solid thunk he went down. I didn't get to enjoy my triumph because as soon as the victory was mine I felt my knees buckle.

I blacked out with my vision filled with pools of green and gold.

**_xxXxx_**

**Well that was unrealistic wasn't it…?**

**Agh well a very shitty 6,884 words but alas I hope it will hold you through for two weeks because that is my new update schedule (Which I'm just warning you I plan on keeping but let's be honest I probably won't)**

**I do promise to never ever, ever leave this story for over two months again.**

**That's just ridiculous.**

**Please, please review and tell me how you feel about me switching Pov's and if you like how Magnus and Alec's relationship is developing.**

**Thank you so much for reading this and happy trails my lovely Readers & Reviewers**

**~L.C**


	6. Unfortunate Responsibilities

**I really am sorry but I am forced to announce that I must put this story on hiatus until my school year is over.**

**My last few chapters have been suffering as far as quality and you guys deserve way better.**

**Also with testing coming up in a few weeks and graduation after that school is very important right now.**

**The end of my school year is June 7****th**** and I shall post a new chapter as soon as I get home and with that new chapter I will hopefully have a few different chapters updated to be better because my quality has suffered.**

**To pay for you guys for being amazing I will give you a paragraph that fits into the next chapter.**

**Again, I am so sorry for having to do this but school is just too important at this stage in the game and I hope you can understand.**

**Much appreciation on my end**

**~L.C**

**_xxXxx_**

Special preview for next chapter~

I pressed my lips tight against his mouth. The warm pressure was soft and slightly chapped from the traveling I had forced him to do to make it here tonight. Lights danced behind my eyes from the many spot lights erected up in the clearing and I knew what I should feel; I knew that I should feel energy coursing through my whole body and heat, excitement from the chase. I didn't feel any of that. There was nothing but the idea saying that I had to make this work because this was what I wanted wasn't it? Tilting my head away from the too eager mouth that tried to snatch my bottom lip I tried to get away and eventually the aggressor's own bottom flushed lip pouted out as I succeeded in escaping and turned my head to look over my shoulder and smiled a smile that I hoped concealed everything I really wanted to say.

Five words escaped my mouth and I threw everything I had into them, stark sarcasm, some pillow talk throatiness, a wink and a slight lisp from the alcohol that had finally started to catch up to me, "Now it's a fucking party."


End file.
